How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale