ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.