Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.