[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
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Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Every work call, he judges.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.