I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
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*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
If you need a laugh.. 😅
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*