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[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.