good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
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The morning after pill, but for tweets
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
So creative 😂
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE