“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I’m crying im so happy for them
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.