Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Anime is real
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.