Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Many hands make light work
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.