Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
constantly working on myself.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Born to be mild.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Meowchelangelo
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.