Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
This is enough internet for the day.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.