Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
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DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.