At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
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me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]