ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.