My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two