Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.