Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
let’s discuss
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN