boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
You Might Also Like
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.