hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.