*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
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Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Well, that didn’t work.