lmaaaaaooooooooo
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Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…