You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
You Might Also Like
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.