Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.