Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
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I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.