Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.