Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!