I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Midwest trash talk
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.