There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
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[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow