Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Breaking news:
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
A drum solo but on your face.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.