to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
classic mixup
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
me, after any kind of buffet.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.