It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
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a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant