On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.