I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
You Might Also Like
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Flowers bee like
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr