When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
How animals would run if they were human
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner