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wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
At least he brought enough for everyone
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones