I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew