my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
You Might Also Like
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
These are too funny not to post 😂
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.