“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
When news reporters do sports stories
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.