There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
*skinny dips into black hole
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.