“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
That’s a good costume, I hope.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.