I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
They grow up so quick
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
ok this is my dumbest yet
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.