When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
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i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .