I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints