Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
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Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.