guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust