COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
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“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.