There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water