Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
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I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.