[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Wait a minute…
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”